I'm more confused about life right now than I ever have been. It's not a bad thing. Everyday, something happens to me that makes me grow and learn and become stronger. The problem is that things are coming at me so fast I can't process them. I could write a book about what's happened to me in the past month that would be a sequel to what's happened in the past year and a half which would be preceded by the first of a three part series about my life since I turned 17.
On Friday, I found myself stuck babysitting someone who I had thought was interested in dating me. When I met him for a drink, I became caught up in a world of dysfunctional relationships, self hatred, and major drug abuse. This person was no longer my date, he was no longer my friend...for five hours he was my patient. However, I didn't have to keep my professionalism.
I told him he was selfish, I told him he was manipulative. When he said he wasn't hurting anyone, I made sure he knew he was. When he said, "Just drop me off at this corner, my grandma will come pick me up," I said, "And do you think that she really wants to deal with your sorry ass right now?" I told him to grow up and start acting his age. I told him he was one fucked up mother fucker. I was not going to play the game that his ex-girlfriend (who I had met that day at the pub) had played for 10 years. I wanted him to know just what a piece of shit he had turned himself into, what his addictions had turned him into.
His ex helped me out enormously, she spent a lot of time on the phone with me coaching me through his behavior. She even called around to see if I could drop him off at any of his friends' houses, since he refused to go to his. But I was horrified the more I spoke with her. "If he gets out of the car, just let him go," she said, "At that point, it's not worth it." What had this woman put up with? Why was she even dealing with it now? She kept saying, "You know, he's said a lot of really good things about you," and I made it perfectly clear that I was not interested. "It's a different story when he's sober," she told me. I thought, God, you're like the poster girl for a co-dependant relationship.
I spent five hours with this man until he sobered up enough to get out of my car and walk into his house. The next day when he sent me a text saying that he was sorry, I wrote back, "I hope you don't think that a text message makes an adequate apology." Apparently, he did, which is why he will spend the rest of his life in unhappy addiction and never know what it's like to be with someone like me.
That was not what I signed up for, but in a way, I'm glad it's what I got. I don't ever want to be caught up in that situation. Looking at it from the outside, with no feelings attached, really opened my eyes. Any woman who puts up with that kind of behavior, even one time, is a dumb bitch. But the whole expirence left a bad taste in my mouth and made me feel as though I needed to bathe my soul. I haven't slept well all weekend, I just don't feel right. Maybe tomorrow I will meet someone that will restore my faith in humanity, but I doubt it. The inherent goodness that I have always believed in is quickly being destroyed by reality.
